At home when we were young, my parents encouraged my brother (2 years older) and I to taste their drinks and at Christmas they allowed us to have a small glass of sherry. From about the time I was aged 11 or 12, they regularly bought cider for us.
I had an uncle who was a home wine maker who brought bottles of home made wine whenever he visited. When I was 12 he encouraged me to make wine out of the surplus plums we had, and from then on, I too became an enthusiastic home wine maker.
The first time I remember drinking to excess was at a wedding when I was 13 and still in short trousers! The reception was held in a hotel a long way from the church, and as we were amongst the very first guests to arrive, I had drunk several glasses of sherry, (each taken from the tray of a different waiter), before it was time to move into the dining room.
The bride and groom were well-travelled and had decided that all teenage children should be offered wine to drink; of course I accepted. I was really intoxicated by the end of the meal and did not enjoy that at all, but the feeling I had when I had just drunk several glasses of sherry very quickly, was something I had enjoyed immensely and wanted to experience again.
When I was 14 I went on an exchange visit to rural France and as a 14 year old, I was served wine with my meals. When my host and I went out on bikes for the day, at lunch time we bought bottles of beer to drink; I had tried beer in the UK and not enjoyed it, but I loved French beer.
And I loved wine; when I had it at meal times, I drank the same amount as my 14 year old host, but when I was in the kitchen alone I would frequently pour myself more wine and drink it quickly.
During my teenage years I discovered that if I satisfied my urge to drink as much alcohol as possible, that no girls were interested.
I started driving just as the breathalyser was first used, so I had another reason to suppress my urge to drink to excess; girls and driving kept my drinking in check.
At Heriot Watt University in the late 1960s, there were more than 8 men for each woman so chances of picking up women were slim, and with no cars to worry about, most male students drank to excess every weekend, I was one of them.
In my daily life at the brewery there was a constant requirement to drink and therefore no need to drink hurriedly while it was still available and then at home, social pressures kept my urge to drink to excess under control, but I also attended many brewing dinners where drinking to excess was the norm and harmony was maintained. When my marriage started to go wrong, one important restraint was removed and my drinking at home increased rapidly.
Immediately after the break up of my marriage I sought help with my drinking and was determined to do everything needed to get control of my life again. At first I was a model patient but as I learnt more and more about myself, I realised that I would never give up drinking completely because I enjoyed it too much, I concluded it would be better to have planned lapses than unplanned ones, and arranged my life accordingly
I decided in advance when and for how long I would drink - during the Edinburgh Jazz Festival being a good example. All the jazz venues were pubs; I drank during the festival but as soon as it was over, so was my drinking - until there was another special occasion.
During these years I never once drank on impulse, and when offered a drink I always turned them down - and that public display of control made me feel very good about myself, I successfully carried on this odd way of life for 12 years.
After taking Campral for 6 weeks my urge for an alcoholic high had completely disappeared; I had no desire to drink - but crucially - when I was offered a drink and turned it down, it was no longer something to feel good about, there was no sense of achievement, because I hadn’t resisted an inner urge to say yes, alcohol no longer had any appeal for me.
The oddest thing is after all these years of sobriety, that when I sit with people who are drinking and I am not, I don’t feel left out; I don’t wish life had been different so that I could be drinking too, I don’t sit there and tell myself that I am not drinking because it is right for my health, I simply never give it a thought, I just enjoy the company.
No comments:
Post a Comment